Fullerton College The Power of Education Tutors Feedback Paper & Essay Once you receive your feedback you need to do two things: 1. Analyze your feedback

Fullerton College The Power of Education Tutors Feedback Paper & Essay Once you receive your feedback you need to do two things:

1. Analyze your feedback following the directions below.

2. Revise your paper based on your tutors suggestions. This is due to be turned in by hand by Wednesday, April 1st. Please upload the following to this page for credit:

Your tutor notes from Smartthinking
Your analysis of those notes
Your revised essay

What should you do with your Smarthinking feedback on your essay? Please choose either option below:

Option One:

Print the comments section from your Smarthinking feedback.
In the left margin of the printed feedback, number each comment the tutor made about your essay. For instance, if the first comment says “Great job on creating interest in your intro,” that would be #1. If the next comment says, “Your thesis only relates to part of your essay; you need to include something about free will in your thesis,” that would be comment #2. Etc.
On a print copy of your essay, find the spot that relates to each comment and write the same number in the margin.
Go back and read each comment. Decide what changes you will make in your essay.
Make a note on the feedback that you printed out from the tutor telling what you are going to change.
If needed, make a note on the feedback that you printed out from the tutor saying why you do not think you need to make a particular change. Explain why not.
At the end of the feedback that you printed from the tutor state what is the most helpful comment from the tutor?

Option Two:

Copy and paste the comments section from your Smarthinking feedback into a Word document.
In the Word document, number each comment the tutor made about your essay. For instance, if the first comment says “Great job on creating interest in your intro,” that would be #1. If the next comment says, “Your thesis only relates to part of your essay; you need to include something about free will in your thesis,” that would be comment #2. Etc.
In your essay, find the spot that relates to each comment and type the same number.
Go back and read each comment. Decide what changes you will make in your essay.
Make a note on the feedback from the tutor telling what you are going to change.
If needed, make a note on the feedback from the tutor saying why you do not think you need to make a particular change. Explain why not.
At the end of the feedback from the tutor state what is the most helpful comment from the tutor?

What should you submit on this assignment page:

When you are done, SCAN or TAKE A PICTURE on your phone and send your written notes on the printout from your tutor through this assignment page and your numbered essay, OR attached the word document you created and your essay that includes the number relating to the tutors notes. (This could get a little messy, but I’ll let you know if I have questions.) Once you receive your feedback you need to do two things:
1. Analyze your feedback following the directions below.
2. Revise your paper based on your tutors suggestions. This is due to be turned in
by hand by Wednesday, April 1st. Please upload the following to this page for
credit:
•
•
•
Your tutor notes from Smartthinking
Your analysis of those notes
Your revised essay
What should you do with your Smarthinking feedback on your essay? Please
choose either option below:
Option One:
•
•
•
•
Print the comments section from your Smarthinking feedback.
In the left margin of the printed feedback, number each comment the tutor
made about your essay. For instance, if the first comment says “Great job on
creating interest in your intro,” that would be #1. If the next comment says,
“Your thesis only relates to part of your essay; you need to include something
about free will in your thesis,” that would be comment #2. Etc.
On a print copy of your essay, find the spot that relates to each comment and
write the same number in the margin.
Go back and read each comment. Decide what changes you will make in your
essay.
o Make a note on the feedback that you printed out from the tutor telling what
you are going to change.
o If needed, make a note on the feedback that you printed out from the tutor
saying why you do not think you need to make a particular change. Explain
why not.
o At the end of the feedback that you printed from the tutor state what is the
most helpful comment from the tutor?
Option Two:
•
•
Copy and paste the comments section from your Smarthinking feedback into a
Word document.
In the Word document, number each comment the tutor made about your essay.
For instance, if the first comment says “Great job on creating interest in your
•
•
intro,” that would be #1. If the next comment says, “Your thesis only relates to
part of your essay; you need to include something about free will in your
thesis,” that would be comment #2. Etc.
In your essay, find the spot that relates to each comment and type the same
number.
Go back and read each comment. Decide what changes you will make in your
essay.
o Make a note on the feedback from the tutor telling what you are going to
change.
o If needed, make a note on the feedback from the tutor saying why you do
not think you need to make a particular change. Explain why not.
o At the end of the feedback from the tutor state what is the most helpful
comment from the tutor?
What should you submit on this assignment page:
When you are done, SCAN or TAKE A PICTURE on your phone and send your
written notes on the printout from your tutor through this assignment page and
your numbered essay, OR attached the word document you created and your essay
that includes the number relating to the tutors notes. (This could get a little messy,
but I’ll let you know if I have questions.)
Shahnawaz 1
Smarthinking Tutor Response Form
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Fnu! I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing
today. Let’s get started! – Dawn S.
*Writing Strength: Your essay has a clear flow with an easily identifiable introduction, body
paragraphs, and conclusion. Good job at organizing it!
*Fnu 11924377, you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis: Fnu, you have a good start to your
thesis, but it needs to be more precise, clearer, and stronger. Being more direct in saying why you
think education is empowering, not stifling, will help your reader to fully understand your main idea.
For example, if I was writing a similar essay on trade schools, my thesis might say: “Trade schools are
a great alternative to a standard four-year college because they offer secure job placement, lifelong
skills, and the ability to master or hone a single talent.” I would then go on to discuss those three
reasons in my body paragraphs. Why is education empowering? What are the benefits? How can you
convey this in one clear and direct sentence?
You can read more about Developing a Thesis in our handbook.
*Fnu 11924377, you requested help with Introduction/Conclusion: Your conclusion does not
hit on the significance, relevance, and future of your main idea. In this type of essay, your conclusion
should focus on these and should avoid introducing any new information.
Here are some questions to get you started on revising your conclusion:
•
•
•
What is the significance of education? Why should it continue as is?
Why is this argument relevant to today’s society? What impact does it have?
What does this mean for the future of education? For the future of our society?
If restating your thesis, it should be restated as it is presented in your introduction.
Content Development Some of your supporting information does not go with your topic sentence.
Each body paragraph should have one clear topic sentence and then focus on information that
supports that idea.
Let’s look at a spot in your essay. In one of your body paragraphs, you say: “Secondly, education
makes students to discover their abilities, work out ways around their hardships, and also learn to
cope with tough experiences.” You then go on to give examples from Mike Rose’s narrative that don’t
clearly link to your topic sentence at first. How can you be more direct in showing how students work
through their hardships? What would be a more concrete example of this? Is there another example
that more clearly links to what you say in your topic sentence?
You can read more about Powerful Body Paragraphs in our handbook.
Shahnawaz 2
Summary of Next Steps:
•
Develop your thesis into a clearer, more direct sentence.
•
Revise your conclusion to touch on the relevance, significance, and future of your main
argument.
•
Focus your body paragraphs on information that supports your topic sentences.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day! – Dawn S.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s
Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
Fnu Shahnawaz
Sara jones
March 24, 2020
The Power of Education
Education has shaped the American history since the pre-colonial period to the
contemporary world, and has been experiencing various advancements over the years. In the
olden days, education was basically mean to pass social norms, religions, and morality across the
society. However, after the revolution and attainment of independence, education became a
significant component and driver of the American Dream. However, over the past years, there
has been growing debates regarding whether education really empowers personal growth or
stifles personal growth. The answer to this concern depends on personal views of the experiences
that education brings. However, despite the challenges that education may pose to the learners,
its benefits are far-overwhelming, thus proving that is more empowering than stifling. [Why is
education empowering? What are the benefits? How can you say this in one clear
sentence?]
Shahnawaz 3
The first empowerment that comes with education is that it equips students with practical
social skills that help them cope in society. While giving her account of her experiences as a
teacher, Sherry Turkle in “EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY,” reports that “MIT
students come from diverse backgrounds” (178). [Be sure to follow the format examples
(MLA style) your professor gave you in the directions for your paper.] This is something
she noted in her class that reflects most school settings despite the level of education that a
person may be pursuing, from elementary to higher education. This depiction in the class setting
is also a reflection of a typical community which has people from all walks of life. The most
significant requirement in such an environment is to learn how to associate with each individual
regardless of the existing differences. However, this may be an uphill task for people who are not
sociable. As was the case in Sherry’s class, education allows the students to share their
experiences and understand that people go through different situations. As a result, the students
become more sensitive and appreciative of other cultures, thus coping well with others in society.
Secondly, education makes students to discover their abilities, work out ways around
their hardships, and also learn to cope with tough experiences. [Does it make students discover
their abilities or does it allow them to or give them room to? Watch your word choice and
be sure to choose the best word(s) to clearly get your main point(s) across.] These
circumstances, in turn, accords them skills of coping with the hardships of life after school. In “I
just wanna be average,” Mike Rose narrates his experiences in school that, “physical education
was also pretty harsh” (125). Mike’s sentiments represent what most students would describe as
the general characteristic of education not only because of the physical hardships that it may
entail but also because of the pressures that usually characterize the education systems. However,
the education environment once again represents the typical environment in society that always
Shahnawaz 4
comes with a lot of expectations and responsibilities. These societal challenges need practical
experiences that teach an individual how to cope. From “I just wanna be average,” Mike Rose
narrates different instances of how they formed strategies of tackling their challenges together
with his classmates. Towards the end, he confesses to have also witnessed a new drive and
perspective of learning after meeting different teachers. Rose confesses that “I started reading as
I hadn’t” (132). These experiences show the empowerment that education accords students.
However, education has also exhibited some challenges that may be considered to be
stifling students’ growth. In “Against School,” John Taylor states that “boredom is a common
condition of schoolteachers…” (114). This notion may be true but only to some situations
because teachers’ boredom is subject to many factors and is always dependent on the teachers’
individual traits. For instance, Mike Rose illustrates in “I just wanna be happy” that teachers at
the vocation track were less concerned with their classes and were also ever repetitive in their
presentation (124). However, he later explains that this was mainly because “vocational track
was a dumping ground for the disaffected” (126). Sherry Turkle also addresses boredom in
“EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY” by stating that “dropping out of classroom
conversation can begin with a moment of boredom…” (180). These illustrations would mean that
placing students to pursue education stifles their growth because the boredom takes away their
attention and hinders them from achieving their potentials.
The impact of boredom is significant and can, therefore, not be underplayed. However, it
would also be misguiding to use it as a sole reason to discredit the impact that education has on
students. On the other hand, it can serve as an opportunity of learning better ways of advancing
ones skills and knowledge. For example, Mike Rose and his classmates managed to figure out
ways of overcoming their boredom, thus eventually making their ways out of the vocational
Shahnawaz 5
track. Sherry Turkle also managed to lead her students into identifying the impacts of boredom
and ways of overcoming the situation. These experiences only mean that even the challenges that
characterize education are still learning opportunities, thus stressing the empowering nature and
ability of education.
It is evident from the discussion above that education has elicited different opinions over
time. Some of the benefits of education, as discussed above, include equipping the students with
practical skills to cope in society; and helping them to discover their abilities, work out ways
around their hardships, and also learn to cope with tough experiences. On the other hand, it has
also come out that education may present students to boredom, thus stifling their growth.
However, despite the challenges that education may pose to the learners, its benefits are faroverwhelming, thus proving that is more empowering than stifling, as discussed above. [You
don’t need to say “as discussed above” in your conclusion. How can you be more direct in
what you are saying?]
Shahnawaz 6
Works Cited
Rose, Mike. I just wanna be average
Taylor, John. Against School
Turkle, Sherry. EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY
Shahnawaz 1
Fnu Shahnawaz
Sara jones
March 24, 2020
The Power of Education
Education has shaped the American history since the pre-colonial period to the
contemporary world, and has been experiencing various advancements over the years. In the
olden days, education was basically mean to pass social norms, religions, and morality across the
society. However, after the revolution and attainment of independence, education became a
significant component and driver of the American Dream. However, over the past years, there
has been growing debates regarding whether education really empowers personal growth or
stifles personal growth. The answer to this concern depends on personal views of the experiences
that education brings. However, despite the challenges that education may pose to the learners,
its benefits are far-overwhelming, thus proving that is more empowering than stifling.
The first empowerment that comes with education is that it equips students with practical
social skills that help them cope in society. While giving her account of her experiences as a
teacher, Sherry Turkle in “EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY,” reports that “MIT
students come from diverse backgrounds” (178). This is something she noted in her class that
reflects most school settings despite the level of education that a person may be pursuing, from
elementary to higher education. This depiction in the class setting is also a reflection of a typical
community which has people from all walks of life. The most significant requirement in such an
environment is to learn how to associate with each individual regardless of the existing
differences. However, this may be an uphill task for people who are not sociable. As was the
case in Sherry’s class, education allows the students to share their experiences and understand
Shahnawaz 2
that people go through different situations. As a result, the students become more sensitive and
appreciative of other cultures, thus coping well with others in society.
Secondly, education makes students to discover their abilities, work out ways around
their hardships, and also learn to cope with tough experiences. These circumstances, in turn,
accords them skills of coping with the hardships of life after school. In “I just wanna be
average,” Mike Rose narrates his experiences in school that, “physical education was also pretty
harsh” (125). Mike’s sentiments represent what most students would describe as the general
characteristic of education not only because of the physical hardships that it may entail but also
because of the pressures that usually characterize the education systems. However, the education
environment once again represents the typical environment in society that always comes with a
lot of expectations and responsibilities. These societal challenges need practical experiences that
teach an individual how to cope. From “I just wanna be average,” Mike Rose narrates different
instances of how they formed strategies of tackling their challenges together with his classmates.
Towards the end, he confesses to have also witnessed a new drive and perspective of learning
after meeting different teachers. Rose confesses that “I started reading as I hadn’t” (132). These
experiences show the empowerment that education accords students.
However, education has also exhibited some challenges that may be considered to be
stifling students’ growth. In “Against School,” John Taylor states that “boredom is a common
condition of schoolteachers…” (114). This notion may be true but only to some situations
because teachers’ boredom is subject to many factors and is always dependent on the teachers’
individual traits. For instance, Mike Rose illustrates in “I just wanna be happy” that teachers at
the vocation track were less concerned with their classes and were also ever repetitive in their
presentation (124). However, he later explains that this was mainly because “vocational track
Shahnawaz 3
was a dumping ground for the disaffected” (126). Sherry Turkle also addresses boredom in
“EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY” by stating that “dropping out of classroom
conversation can begin with a moment of boredom…” (180). These illustrations would mean that
placing students to pursue education stifles their growth because the boredom takes away their
attention and hinders them from achieving their potentials.
The impact of boredom is significant and can, therefore, not be underplayed. However, it
would also be misguiding to use it as a sole reason to discredit the impact that education has on
students. On the other hand, it can serve as an opportunity of learning better ways of advancing
ones skills and knowledge. For example, Mike Rose and his classmates managed to figure out
ways of overcoming their boredom, thus eventually making their ways out of the vocational
track. Sherry Turkle also managed to lead her students into identifying the impacts of boredom
and ways of overcoming the situation. These experiences only mean that even the challenges that
characterize education are still learning opportunities, thus stressing the empowering nature and
ability of education.
It is evident from the discussion above that education has elicited different opinions over
time. Some of the benefits of education, as discussed above, include equipping the students with
practical skills to cope in society; and helping them to discover their abilities, work out ways
around their hardships, and also learn to cope with tough experiences. On the other hand, it has
also come out that education may present students to boredom, thus stifling their growth.
However, despite the challenges that education may pose to the learners, its benefits are faroverwhelming, thus proving that is more empowering than stifling, as discussed above.
Shahnawaz 4
Works Cited
Rose, Mike. I just wanna be average
Taylor, John. Against School
Turkle, Sherry. EDUCATION: ATTENTIONAL DISARRAY

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